ENCORE ISSUE

Article

I remember every detail of the first night I had sexual intercourse. My partner and I had been together for two-and-a-half years. The physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual components of our relationship had woven together into a deeply intimate, caring and giving whole, and we decided that we were ready for sex. Several months earlier, with the help of my mother, I had obtained a prescription for oral contraceptives, but my partner and I waited for the ideal time and place. Throughout the evening, we gave thanks to God for the gift of each other and for the gift of our sexual relationship. That night, shortly after my 21st birthday, is one of my most treasured memories.

Six years later, I struggle to articulate for my faith community how the messages I and other young women receive from church and culture contribute to and detract from the development of a healthy, responsible and faithful sexual ethic. It seems that churchgoers who promote abstinence and/or celibacy outside "marriage between a man and a woman" are in a much easier position to speak the truth of their own experiences than those of us who know from our own experiences that there is more than one way to practice a faithful sexual ethic.

Most Christians would applaud the deep commitment, loving care and faithful expression present in my first sexual experience until they realized that my partner and I had not taken marriage vows. Then, many would discount the experience as sin, thereby rejecting everything that was beautiful and good about it. The church's current policy on ordination requiring "fidelity in marriage between a man and a woman or chastity in singleness" would require me to repent of this and other sexual experiences should I act on a call from God to seek ordination in the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.). While I applaud the church for wanting to take a stand against the pervasive and often sick portrayal of sexuality in culture, I am highly offended at the insinuation that any and all sex outside marriage between a man and a woman is automatically sinful and incapable of being beautiful and life-giving. I know this not to be true.

My partner and I eventually ended our relationship. We were called in different directions and were not ready for marriage. While the break-up hurt both of us deeply, and the fact that we had engaged in sexual activity likely increased that pain, I am grateful to him for our time together and for the wonderful sexual experiences we shared. Unlike so many of my friends, I can say that all of my chosen sexual experiences have been positive.

--S. L. Walker is a writer, artist and Presbyterian living in Louisville, Kentucky.

Back to top | Previous Article