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Of all the issues that invoke a woman's passion, I have yet to encounter one as inflammatory as the debate around what women prefer to be called. Growing up, I heard my Grandma Jo refer to nearly every female as a "gal," whether she was five or ninety-five. In my twenties, I took great pleasure in educating every man I encountered, be it a boyfriend, coworker or pastor, that "girl" was reserved for someone whose mother still had some say in the clothes she wore and the hours she kept. And in my early years as a working woman, I received frequent lectures from a variety of women mentors on the titles I should allow others to use in reference to me.

I brought this article by Susan Swartz to work one day, entertaining some of my coworkers and infuriating others, adding to my curiosity about the power titles have over women. Considering this issue of Horizons is focused on the search for meaning and balance in our lives-and my suspicion that most of us would accept being called just about any title, if it would help us attain it-I couldn't resist including Ms. Swartz's ponderings on this age-old debate.---Ed.

They do a lot of lady talk in the Midwest. Waiters, museum docents, the man running the architectural tour in Chicago. They all called us ladies, prompting me to ask my friends, "What's with the lady stuff? I thought we didn't like that."

What did we wish to be called instead, they asked, lowering their voices, smoothing their skirts and arching a pinky over their tea. (They really didn't do that. I was just making the point that we don't do the lady thing.)

I did explain that I come from California where women are guys and so is everyone else.

That's one of the problems. There aren't many alternative terms for women, in the singular or group form. I don't mind "guys," although I've been told it's "so '90s, very Seinfeld."

But ladies? I don't know.

la-dy \la'-de\ n, pl ladies 1 a: a woman having proprietary rights or authority esp. as a feudal superior b: a woman receiving the homage or devotion of a knight or lover 2 cap: virgin mary - usu. used with Our 3 a: a woman of superior social position b: a woman of refinement and gentle manners c: woman, female - often used in a courteous reference <show the lady to a seat> or usu. in the pl. in address <ladies and gentlemen> 4 a: wife b: girlfriend, mistress 5 a: any of various titled women in Great Britain - used as a customary title of (1) a marchioness, countess, viscountess, or baroness or (2) the wife of a knight, baronet, member of the peerage, or one having the courtesy title of lord and used as a courtesy title for the daughter of a duke, marquess, or earl b: a female member of an order of knighthood - compare dame (Merriam--Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition, Springfield, Mass.: 1998)

Several years ago I fretted over the word "girl" being used inappropriately on females long past puberty. My friend Rich brought it up because his older sisters taught him never to say "girl" when he meant "woman" and now his women friends were referring to each other as "the girls."

I agreed it was confusing and explained that women are sensitive to labels. But we also change our minds.
Around that time "girlfriend" floated into the vernacular. It was affectionate and sounded hip and, for some reason, not at all girlish, to call each other "girlfriend." But it implies a certain intimacy. The woman behind the airline counter is not going to look up and ask, "Where we flying today, girlfriend?"

The term "lady," which I thought was in mothballs, has a crossed ankles, smile-pretty-and-don't-say-what-you-think image. It's your great aunt who never broke into a laugh or a sweat.

No more, say two New Yorkers who have declared "lady" back in fashion. I think it's because they couldn't find a decent substitute.

"Hi women. How you women doin'?" never has caught on. So they decided to resurrect the term lady, buff it up and give it to women they admire.

In their book, The Art and Power of Being a Lady (Atlantic Monthly, 2001), Noelle Cleary and Dini von Mueffling use it to define the likes of Serena and Venus Williams, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Chelsea Clinton. Ladies, they say, have style and substance, grace and strength, independence and confidence. Unlike the old-fashioned lady, today's gets her hands dirty and is more forthright than coy.

The authors think the term will creep into common usage once women grasp the new meaning and take it as a compliment. Cleary said she makes a point of yelling out, "Hi, ladies," when she meets her friends in a pub.

As evidence that the word is getting around, the authors point out that the characters in the TV show Sex and the City call each other ladies, as do the women on The View. That's a pretty wide range of ladies, from Carrie and Miranda to Barbara Walters.

The authors even convinced Candice Bergen to call herself a lady. "At first she took umbrage with the term," said von Mueffling, "but after we explained our definition, she decided it did apply to her . . . at least some of the time."

There are new manners expected of today's new lady. For example, a lady can curse but knows when not to. A lady will not put up with offensive talk, especially when it's bigoted and mean, and will take on the offender. A lady stops to consider the consequences before she sends a vicious email, and never with a cc. A lady does not date her good friend's ex. And she doesn't apply lipstick in a restaurant.

What? That last one may be too much for us guys.

Susan Swartz writes for The Press Democrat in Santa Rosa, California. This article was reprinted with permission..

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